Stagtire: The AI-Generated Satire Empire You Never Asked For
🪩 Woman Declares Sovereignty Over Pole Room—Boyfriend Assigned Emotional Overflow Room
Marla Stag, 34, purchased the mobile home not just for affordability—but for strategic emotional zoning. “If I’m going to let a man inside my home, he’s not taking over my pole room,” she told Stagtire with a look usually reserved for court dates and karaoke face-offs.
Sources close to the situation confirm the pole room serves as a dedicated spiritual vortex for grief processing, midair reinventions, and backbending over heartbreak. “This is not a shared space. This is not a multipurpose den,” Marla said. “This is where I ascend. He can spiral somewhere else.”
Her partner, Iris (34, hoodie enthusiast, emotionally avoidant), was reassigned to the Emotional Overflow Room, a neutralized containment chamber located on the opposite end of the home. The room features a mattress on the floor, one hoodie hook (approved by Yarrow the rabbit), and a gentle sense of existential dread.
“I appreciate having my own room,” Iris said. “But I do sometimes wake up to soft thumping bass and her screaming something about 'not brushing her teeth for emotional symbolism.' I respect it.”
The President Has Been Doxxed: A Nation in Chaos
¯\(ツ)/¯ (previously Washington D.C.) —The nation is in crisis. The President of the United States has been doxxed. His private residence—a location previously known only to top government officials, school field trip organizers, and the back of every U.S. history textbook—has been leaked to the public.
His address? 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Yes. The White House.
For years, the President’s home has been a closely guarded secret, visible only to those with access to Google Maps. But now, with this information recklessly spread across the internet, security experts are calling it the most severe breach of classified intelligence since someone posted the nuclear codes on WikiLeaks (allegedly).
Birthday Girl Vows to ‘Let It Be About Her for Once’—Immediately Fails
In an epic attempt to reclaim her birthday and make it actually about her, Cissy Stag entered her 32nd year with a bold vow: no deflection, no self-deprecating jokes, just pure, unfiltered birthday energy. Unfortunately, it lasted a grand total of 17 minutes. Between dodging her own birthday wish requests, redirecting conversations about herself, and hyper-analyzing every Facebook notification, Cissy’s birthday quickly devolved into the emotional rollercoaster that Pisces season is known for. From the existential dread of “Happy Birthday” being sung at her to the crushing disappointment of receiving birthday texts from every ex except her current crush, Cissy’s celebration was a study in trying—and failing—to just let it be about her for once. By the end of the night, she found solace in drunkenly toasting to her friends and questioning whether she’d ever truly be worthy of the love she so desperately deflects.
Tragedy Strikes: Man’s ‘Go-To Girl’ Starts Enforcing Boundaries
PORTLAND, OR—In a shocking turn of events, local man Brian Matthews, 32, has been left emotionally stranded after his long-time emotional support woman decided to start enforcing "boundaries."
“She just…stopped responding like she used to,” Matthews lamented, staring blankly at his phone. “I sent a ‘You up?’ the other night. Nothing. Not even a ‘lol what’s up.’”
Sources close to Brian confirm that this betrayal came out of nowhere, especially considering how reliable Laura Davis, 29, had been for months—possibly years—of unpaid emotional labor.
“I mean, she always used to listen when I needed to vent about my ex,” he continued. “But now? Now she’s all, ‘I can’t be your therapist, Brian.’ Like, since when??”
Laura, however, tells a different story.
“It’s not that deep,” she said, completely unbothered. “I just don’t have the energy to be this man’s part-time life coach while he keeps taking other girls to rooftop bars.”
At press time, Brian was seen staring at his phone, agonizing over whether or not to send a ‘Hope you’re doing okay’ text.
Man Terrified He’s Become a “Favorite Person” to Women with Borderline Personality Disorder—Local Woman Assures Him, “You’re Really Not That Special.”
Templeton immediately took to Reddit to confirm his suspicions, posting in r/relationship_advice under the username SigmaAlpha420:
If a girl texts me good morning and good night every day, compliments my existence, and once told me she’d ‘probably die’ if I ever abandoned her, does that mean I’m her FP? Also, is there a way to stop this from happening?
His post received over 300 responses, most of which suggested that he “simply not be the worst” or “stop leading people on with minimal acts of kindness.” However, one reply, from user SoftBlockQueen, cut straight to the heart of the matter:
Literally no one is choosing you as their Favorite Person, Chad. Calm down.
The Science of Love: A Groundbreaking Study on Which Meet-Cutes Lead to Long-Term Relationships
Love stories always start with a meet-cute—but are some more scientifically doomed than others? At the Institute of Dubious Relationship Science, we conducted an extremely legitimate study to determine which types of first encounters lead to lasting love… and which ones spiral into pure chaos.
Using a totally real scatter plot, we examine classic meet-cutes, from accidental coffee spills to karaoke-fueled disasters, ranking them by romantic impact and likelihood of a messy breakup. Whether you met your partner trapped in an elevator or during a Venmo dispute, this research will help you determine if your relationship is built to last—or built to implode spectacularly.
Love Wilts Like a Neglected Houseplant: Couple Breaks Up Over Botanical Garden Rain Dispute
"I wasn’t asking him to fight in a war. I was asking him to walk through some damp camellias with me."
Jessica Morgan thought she was in a relationship with a man who understood romance—until he refused to take a stroll through the Atlanta Botanical Garden in the rain. What should have been a dreamy, mist-kissed date among blooming flowers quickly unraveled into a philosophical crisis about love, effort, and whether wet socks are truly a dealbreaker.
“He acted like I was asking him to hike Mount Everest in a monsoon,” Jessica lamented, still processing the breakup. “Meanwhile, I was just standing there, waiting for him to be the kind of guy who sees a little rain and thinks, ‘This is our moment.’”
Her ex-boyfriend, Ryan Thompson, saw things differently. “Plants already get enough rain,” he said, as if that was the point.
Now single, Jessica is reflecting on the red flags she ignored—including Ryan’s firm belief that all sushi tastes the same and his insistence that grocery store bouquets are "just as nice" as florist arrangements. Meanwhile, Ryan has re-downloaded Hinge, updating his bio to include the word "indoorsy."
The Atlanta Botanical Garden has issued an official statement expressing their condolences for the breakup but affirming that "a light drizzle only enhances the experience."
5 Pickup Lines Guaranteed to Get You Pregnant This Valentine’s Day
Love is in the air, but so is bad decision-making. If you're trying to skip the romance and fast-track yourself into a potential parent-teacher conference nine months from now, we’ve got just the thing. These five filthy pickup lines are so dangerously effective, they should come with a disclaimer from the FDA.
Say them at your own risk—because once they’re out there, someone’s getting ruined. 😏🔥
Couple Posts Loving Tribute on Instagram, Fights in Private Chat 10 Minutes Later
In the golden hour glow of social media, Ashley and Derek’s Valentine’s Day posts painted a picture of effortless devotion. Her caption was poetic, his was minimalist but affectionate—together, they curated a digital love story designed to withstand the scrutiny of their mutuals.
And then, ten minutes later, the facade cracked.
While their Instagram likes soared, Ashley’s patience plummeted as she uncovered a Venmo transaction labeled “brunch.” Derek, blissfully unaware, was still basking in the afterglow of his double-heart-emoji effort when the first “I just think it’s interesting…” message hit his phone like a missile.
What followed was a classic, emoji-free argument in the DMs—screenshots of which were immediately sent to Ashley’s best friend, Brittany, who is now live-updating the group chat.
While the online world continues to swoon over their #CoupleGoals moment, Ashley has subtly retaliated with a pointed Instagram Story about knowing your worth, and Derek has entered damage-control mode by hitting the gym and posting a deeply unnecessary mirror selfie.
At the time of reporting, Ashley’s $32 Venmo request remains in limbo, much like their future.
Husband Only Says 'I Love You' During Sex, Wife Thinks They Should Just Be Friends
For years, local married couple Megan and Tom have navigated their relationship with an unspoken agreement: Tom only says “I love you” during sex, and Megan has stopped expecting it any other time. But after deep reflection (and two glasses of wine), Megan has come to a conclusion—she hates it.
“I mean, it’s sweet he says it,” Megan admits, standing in front of her closet in full pajama mode, bottle of wine in hand. “But I wish it was in more... everyday moments. Like when I set up the mortgage autopay. Or when I take the trash out. Or when I literally keep our life from crumbling into financial and logistical ruin.”
Tom, however, remains baffled. “I thought women liked hearing ‘I love you’ during sex,” he says. “It’s romantic. It’s a moment.”
“It’s not a moment,” Megan counters. “It’s an HR violation.”
Despite their glaring emotional dysfunction, Megan and Tom have ruled out divorce—not because of love, not because of logistics, but because neither of them wants to be single.
“Oh, God, dating?” Megan shudders. “Absolutely not.”
Tom nods in agreement. “Too much work. I’d have to learn about someone else’s whole life—what their dog’s name is, how many siblings they have, whether they expect me to actually express emotions…”
At press time, Megan and Tom were found sharing the couch, considering whether they’d ever reach a breaking point or simply settle into a lifelong, slightly frustrating partnership.
Independent Bookstore That Champions ‘Shop Local’ Refuses to Carry Self-Published Book
Local independent bookstore Maple & Quill proudly proclaims its love for local authors—just not the kind who publish their own work.
“We’re passionate about supporting writers in our community,” says store manager Bethany Whitmore, adjusting a display of mass-produced celebrity memoirs and hardcover reissues of books everyone already owns. “But we do have standards. And by ‘standards,’ I mean we only take books from big publishing houses that send us free tote bags.”
Meanwhile, self-published poet Cissy Stag, who lives two blocks away, has been politely rejected by Maple & Quill four separate times, each with a brand-new excuse.
“The first time, they said they only carry books through Ingram,” Cissy explains. “The second time, they said they do carry indie books, but only ones they personally select. The third time, they told me they were ‘at capacity for local authors.’ And the fourth time, they just sighed dramatically and said, ‘Oh, we don’t really do poetry.’”
As she speaks, an entire wall of poetry books looms behind her.
At press time, Maple & Quill had just posted an Instagram story urging people to ‘support indie bookstores instead of Amazon.’ Meanwhile, Cissy was seen ordering her own book from Amazon, because nowhere else would carry it.
Stalker and Stalkee Accidentally Trauma-Bond, Now Both Confused About Who’s Watching Who
What started as a straightforward case of one woman monitoring the digital presence of another has now evolved into something far more complicated—perhaps even symbiotic.
“It’s not stalking if they’re watching you back,” explained Ivy Carter, while meticulously cataloging Delilah Moore’s cryptic Instagram captions on her increasingly unhinged red-string conspiracy board. “At this point, it’s just… research.”
Delilah, meanwhile, has maintained a strict policy of plausible deniability, reassuring mutual acquaintances that she definitely does not check Ivy’s stories—while also posting thinly veiled references to their dynamic. “People see what they want to see,” she recently wrote, alongside a blurry black-and-white photo of a locked door.
Psychologists have dubbed this phenomenon "Reciprocal Digital Lurking Disorder" (RDL)—a condition where neither party can remember who initiated the surveillance but both refuse to log off first. “One moment, you’re the victim,” explains Dr. Linda Meyers. “The next, you’re framed in the window like a ghostly apparition, smirking through the glass like a social media poltergeist.”
At press time, Ivy and Delilah were last seen posting eerily similar existential quotes within 15 minutes of each other, signaling that this battle of digital wills is far from over.
Coworker Who Constantly Talks About ‘The Good Old Days’ Hasn’t Done Work Since 2017
Bill from IT has spent five consecutive meetings reminiscing about how simple things used to be, despite not having touched an actual project since 2017.
“Back in my day, we didn’t need all these fancy tools,” Bill declared during a company-wide Zoom call, completely ignoring the fact that his screen was frozen for half of it.
When asked for input on a modern software integration, Bill responded by telling a 12-minute story about the time the entire company ran on spreadsheets and sheer willpower. Meanwhile, his inbox sat at 748 unread emails.
Despite the overwhelming evidence that Bill has done no actual work in at least six years, leadership continues to praise him for his ‘deep institutional knowledge,’ while his younger coworkers, drowning in tasks, quietly wonder how he’s still on payroll.
Local 6.5 Woman Refuses to Date Ugly People, Says Her Love is Not Literally Blind
For years, Cissy Stag has been told to “give people a chance” and that “looks aren’t everything.” But after extensive self-reflection (and even more extensive swiping), she has come to a firm conclusion: her love is not, and never will be, literally blind.
"Look, I’m not a perfect 10, but I’m also not out here pretending I don’t have eyes," she explained while adjusting her hinge settings to ‘tall and hot only.’ "I support body positivity, just not in my own dating pool."
Despite criticism from men she would never date anyway, Cissy stands by her stance, citing years of failed experiments in ‘personality-first’ dating.
"Every time I’ve lowered my standards, I’ve regretted it," she admitted, scrolling past yet another text from a man with ‘kind eyes’ but questionable bone structure. "At this point, I feel like I’m doing a public service by being upfront about what I can and cannot tolerate."
At press time, Cissy was last seen unmatching a man who claimed to be ‘gym active’ but had no visible traps.
Drake Announces Emergency Album in Response to Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl Performance
For most artists, watching the Super Bowl halftime show is a casual experience. But for Drake, it was a call to action.
“I don’t want to seem pressed,” Drake insisted during a 13-minute Instagram Live, filmed from the comfort of his candlelit marble bathtub. “But I just think it’s crazy how people switch up.”
By midnight, Drake had announced an emergency new album, reportedly titled "For All The Disses." Sources close to the rapper say the album is "not a direct response" to Kendrick Lamar’s viral Super Bowl performance, despite containing 27 tracks of thinly veiled emotional retaliation.
"This is not about Kendrick," Drake repeated while dramatically signing a handwritten 'Open Letter to the NFL' with a quill pen.
At press time, Kendrick Lamar had yet to respond, presumably because he was busy doing literally anything else.
Local Man’s Super Bowl Party Features ‘Authentic’ Stadium Experience—Complete with $15 Beers and Long Bathroom Lines
For most people, a Super Bowl watch party means cheap beer, homemade dips, and yelling at the TV in sweatpants. But for local man Jake Thompson, that wasn’t immersive enough.
“I want my guests to feel like they’re actually there—the thrill, the chaos, the economic hardship,” Jake said, patting down his own friends at the front door.
Upon arrival, guests were charged a $25 cover fee, plus a $3.50 ‘processing fee’ for Venmo payments. Beers were $15 each, chips were gated behind a ‘VIP’ rope, and the bathroom required a 10-minute wait minimum, even when unoccupied.
“The line wrapped around the kitchen,” guest Brian Carter recalled. “When I finally got in, there was a guy handing out paper towels for tips. It was Todd.”
Meanwhile, Jake’s homemade halftime show featured his neighbor’s garage band, who butchered ‘Wonderwall’ so badly, the WiFi cut out.
As of press time, Jake has already started selling ‘season passes’ for next year’s party. His guests, however, have secretly created a new group chat to host literally anywhere else.
Egg Shortage Reaches Breaking Point as Waffle House Adds 50-Cent Surcharge—Local Man Commits to Laying His Own Eggs (No, Not With Chickens)
For months, Americans have endured skyrocketing egg prices, each grocery store run feeling like a high-stakes scavenger hunt. But now, the final shell has been cracked: Waffle House, the sacred 24/7 temple of questionable decisions, has announced a 50-cent surcharge on all egg orders.
And one local man has had enough.
“This is egg-extortion,” declared 31-year-old Kyle Watson, slamming his fist on a permanently sticky Waffle House table. “I refuse to be at the mercy of Big Egg any longer. If they won’t lower the prices, I’ll start producing my own. And no, I don’t mean with chickens.”
Witnesses report that Kyle made this declaration at 2:43 AM, while two hashbrowns deep into an existential crisis. His plan, however, remains both scientifically unsound and deeply concerning.
“People laughed when they said lab-grown meat was impossible,” Kyle insisted. “But what if we’re thinking too small? What if humans could lay eggs? Who’s gonna stop me? The FDA?”
At press time, Kyle had already subscribed to five Reddit communities dedicated to 'biological innovation' and offered a bartender $200 to ‘figure it out.’ Meanwhile, Waffle House has declined to comment on Kyle’s plan, stating only:
“Please stop calling us.”
Toxic Positivity is OUT—Slightly Less Negative Thinking is IN
For years, we’ve been told to “choose happiness” and “manifest good vibes”—but what if we simply chose to care slightly less? Experts now confirm that you don’t need to be positive—just tone down the emotional outbursts enough to function.
“Forcing yourself to be happy all the time is exhausting,” said Dr. Emily Crawford, a psychologist who has personally threatened to fight at least three motivational speakers. “Instead of pretending everything is fine, just aim for ‘mildly tolerable.’ It’s life-changing.”
This groundbreaking new approach—known as Slightly Less Negative Thinking™—has already transformed lives.
✅ Instead of “I’m grateful for this challenge,” try “This is annoying, but whatever.”
✅ Instead of “Every setback is a lesson,” try “I don’t care to learn from this.”
✅ Instead of “I attract good energy,” try “At least today isn’t worse than yesterday.”
“We’re not saying people should be negative all the time,” Dr. Crawford clarified. “Just… complain 30% less and call it self-improvement.”
Are You Ready to Embrace Slightly Less Negative Thinking?
Signs include:
☑ No longer threatening to quit your job every morning—just twice a week.
☑ Complaining, but with 20% fewer dramatic hand gestures.
☑ Only internally screaming when someone says “everything happens for a reason.”
“Not everything is a blessing in disguise,” Dr. Crawford reminds us. “Sometimes it’s just bullshit. And that’s fine.”
Man Who Won’t Say ‘I Love You’ Has No Problem Making Full Eye Contact During Sex
Despite his inability to verbally express affection, local man Tyler Graves has demonstrated zero hesitation in maintaining intense, unwavering eye contact during sex—staring so deeply into his partner’s soul that it should legally count as a commitment.
“I just don’t really do words like that,” Tyler explained, while effortlessly whispering ‘You like that?’ mid-thrust.
For months, his girlfriend, Jenna Lewis, had been subtly (and not-so-subtly) hinting that she would love to hear an ‘I love you.’ Instead, she got:
✅ “You feel so good.”
✅ “Look at me.” (But won’t look at her in daylight.)
✅ “Come here.” (Emotionally? No. Physically? Always.)
“I tried to make eye contact with him at brunch once and he physically recoiled, but during sex? It’s a staring contest I did not sign up for,” Jenna said.
According to experts, this behavior is “alarmingly common” and a classic symptom of men who can access emotional depth, but only while thrusting.
When asked for comment, Tyler maintained 15 seconds of intense eye contact before walking away without saying goodbye.
Tequila Beth Yells at All-Male Security While Blackout Drunk, Scores Interview to Be a Bouncer
Tequila Beth didn’t plan to apply for a job last night. In fact, she barely planned to make it home. But fate—or more accurately, six consecutive tequila sodas and an unchecked sense of entitlement—had other ideas.
“I was just trying to get inside,” Beth slurred, hydrating aggressively the next morning. “Then suddenly, I was giving a TED Talk on gender dynamics and workplace discrimination to an audience of deeply confused bouncers. Next thing I knew, they were offering me a job.”
According to eyewitnesses, Beth, despite being several drinks past functional decision-making, managed to:
✅ Aggressively point at security while swaying slightly
✅ Accuse the bouncers of “not knowing the struggle” while also forgetting the argument’s original point
✅ Challenged a 6’4’’ ex-Marine to a push-up contest (immediately abandoned)
✅ Asked “WHO EVEN HIRED YOU?” to a man actively trying to prevent her from falling over
And yet, by the end of the night, instead of getting ejected, she had secured a formal interview.
“I’ve never worked security before, but I have yelled at a lot of men professionally, so I feel qualified,” Beth told reporters, scrolling through texts she didn’t remember sending. “Also, I lift.”
Beth is now considering the offer, under one condition: “Do I get free drinks?”