For years, local married couple Megan and Tom have navigated their relationship with an unspoken agreement: Tom only says “I love you” during sex, and Megan has stopped expecting it any other time. But after deep reflection (and two glasses of wine), Megan has come to a conclusion—she hates it.

“I mean, it’s sweet he says it,” Megan admits, standing in front of her closet in full pajama mode, bottle of wine in hand. “But I wish it was in more... everyday moments. Like when I set up the mortgage autopay. Or when I take the trash out. Or when I literally keep our life from crumbling into financial and logistical ruin.”

Tom, however, remains baffled. “I thought women liked hearing ‘I love you’ during sex,” he says. “It’s romantic. It’s a moment.”

“It’s not a moment,” Megan counters. “It’s an HR violation.”

Despite their glaring emotional dysfunction, Megan and Tom have ruled out divorce—not because of love, not because of logistics, but because neither of them wants to be single.

“Oh, God, dating?” Megan shudders. “Absolutely not.”

Tom nods in agreement. “Too much work. I’d have to learn about someone else’s whole life—what their dog’s name is, how many siblings they have, whether they expect me to actually express emotions…”

At press time, Megan and Tom were found sharing the couch, considering whether they’d ever reach a breaking point or simply settle into a lifelong, slightly frustrating partnership.