Coworker Who Constantly Talks About ‘The Good Old Days’ Hasn’t Done Work Since 2017
📌 They sure remember how things used to get done—just not how to do them now.
By Stagtire’s Workplace Trauma Correspondent
Alt Text: A satirical workplace illustration in a bold comic style. Bill, an older employee, sits at his cluttered desk, completely ignoring work while scrolling on his iPhone. His desk is covered in dusty files, an old CRT monitor, and a half-empty coffee mug. A single younger coworker in the background looks overworked and frustrated, glancing at Bill in disbelief. The office setting mixes outdated and modern elements, emphasizing workplace frustration and the stark contrast between Bill’s avoidance and his coworker’s stress.
Adding to the absurdity, a loose piece of paper, a coffee mug, and even a workplace poster are all labeled “Bill”.
Bill from IT has spent five consecutive meetings reminiscing about how simple things used to be, despite not having touched an actual project since 2017.
“Back in my day, we didn’t need all these fancy tools,” Bill declared during a company-wide Zoom call, completely ignoring the fact that his screen was frozen for half of it.
When asked for input on a modern software integration, Bill responded by telling a 12-minute story about the time the entire company ran on spreadsheets and sheer willpower. Meanwhile, his inbox sat at 748 unread emails.
BILL'S WORK ETHIC: A MYSTERY
Coworkers have begun to question whether Bill has any actual job responsibilities.
“He spends most of the day walking around with a coffee mug,” noted one anonymous employee. “I’ve never seen him open his laptop.”
At one point, a brave intern attempted to ask Bill an actual IT question. Bill responded with a rambling tale about dial-up internet, effectively avoiding the task altogether.
HOW HAS NO ONE NOTICED?
Despite overwhelming evidence that Bill has done no tangible work in at least six years, leadership continues to praise him for his deep institutional knowledge.
“Bill’s been with us forever,” said the CEO, who has also never seen Bill do actual work.
Other employees remain too intimidated to question Bill’s productivity for fear of triggering another nostalgic tangent. One unlucky new hire accidentally mentioned Google Docs and was subsequently subjected to a 30-minute rant about how ‘real professionals’ only used Microsoft Office 2003.
BILL RESPONDS TO ALLEGATIONS
After receiving internal feedback that he has not actually contributed to anything since the Obama administration, Bill finally addressed the rumors.
📢 “I bring something more valuable than busywork—I bring experience,” Bill posted on LinkedIn, despite clearly having no idea how LinkedIn works.
Sources say he accidentally uploaded a photo of his cat and endorsed himself for ‘Windows XP Support.’
UP NEXT ON STAGTIRE:
Employee ‘Really Excited About Q2 Goals’ Clearly in Need of Help
Coworker Who Promised to ‘Circle Back’ Now on the Run
Company Calls Sudden Mass Layoffs ‘An Exciting New Chapter’
🔥 Want to support Stagtire before you, too, become a relic of a bygone era?
Like, share, and pledge loyalty $$$ to the regime. Buy a T-shirt. Or better yet, buy a book.
Stagtire: Where Office Drama Becomes Workplace Trauma.
