Birthday Girl Vows to ‘Let It Be About Her for Once’—Immediately Fails
📰 Breaking: Local woman swears she will accept attention without deflecting or making a self-deprecating joke. Reports confirm that she lasted 17 minutes.
By Stagtire’s Overwhelmed Birthday Correspondent
A satirical digital illustration of a redheaded woman with freckles and brown eyes, looking slightly overwhelmed at a birthday celebration. She is sitting at a table holding a drink while glancing at her phone with mild disappointment. The scene captures her feeling awkward amidst a festive setting with a birthday cake and lit candles in front of her. The background includes no people, only balloons and streamers, emphasizing the lonely discomfort of being the center of attention. The art style is exaggerated and humorous, highlighting the comedic tension.
“No, Seriously, Let’s Talk About YOU”
Despite weeks of internal pep talks, birthday girl Cissy Stag entered her 32nd year of existence with one goal: to let it actually be about her.
“I told myself, this year, I’m embracing the attention,” she said confidently, before immediately following up with, “But enough about me! How’s your dog doing?”
Witnesses confirm that, within the first 30 minutes, she had redirected at least four conversations back to other people, asked two different friends about their relationship drama, and—most egregiously—gave someone else a pep talk about their career choices.
“I literally just asked her how she’s feeling about turning 32,” said longtime friend Alex, still confused. “And next thing I know, I’m pouring my heart out about my work-life balance.”
The Existential Horror of ‘Happy Birthday’ Being Sung at You
By mid-celebration, the nightmare scenario had begun.
A dessert with a candle was placed in front of her. People started singing. There was no escape.
“There’s no right way to react,” Cissy later told reporters. “Do I make eye contact? Do I nod along? Do I give an awkward little thumbs-up?”
After attempting to soft-smile her way through it, she eventually settled on laughing nervously while mouthing ‘oh my god, stop’ even though stopping wasn’t an option.
“It lasted approximately seven years.”
Facebook Birthday Post Anxiety: “Do I Heart React Everything?”
The next existential crisis? Facebook notifications.
Option 1: Like every single birthday post individually.
Option 2: Write one massive "thank you all for the birthday love!" post and hope that covers it.
Option 3: Ignore everything, pretend you don’t know how Facebook works, and disappear.
At press time, Cissy had accidentally heart-reacted to an acquaintance’s generic ‘HBD’ comment, leading to a minor panic spiral.
The Sudden Panic of Realizing Your Birthday Outfit Is Mid
Reports confirm that, approximately halfway through the night, Cissy experienced a full-body realization that her outfit was “not giving.”
“It looked so much better in my head,” she whispered in distress.
Despite zero external confirmation of this, the feeling would not subside. It would now haunt her for the remainder of the evening.
All I Wanted Was Birthday Sex, and I Can’t Even Get a Birthday Text
In what experts (Cissy’s group chat) are calling a historic injustice, Cissy’s most mid-tier ex, various irrelevant men, and a guy she ghosted in 2021 all sent birthday messages—yet her actual crush has remained silent.
“I was mentally prepared for a low-effort ‘HBD’ text,” she admitted. “But radio silence? On MY birthday?? Make it make sense.”
At press time, Cissy was spotted vaguely tweeting about "low effort men" in a last-ditch attempt to manifest a message.
Meanwhile, her crush? Active on Instagram.
A Birthday, Successfully Deflected
At press time, Cissy Stag was seen drunkenly hugging her friends, tearfully telling them that she’s so grateful for them and “couldn’t have made it through this year without you.”
“She literally made a toast about US at HER birthday,” one friend noted, bewildered.
As the night wound down, she was reportedly reassuring a friend that it’s okay they forgot to get her a gift while googling ‘how to accept love without cringing.’
Want to Support Birthday-Induced Identity Crises?
🎁 Buy a Shirt – “Stop Perceiving Me” edition
📖 Get a Book – Poetry to cry-read at brunch the next morning
💸 Donate – Because therapy isn’t free, but my emotional labor sure seems to be
