Tequila Beth didn’t plan to apply for a job last night. In fact, she barely planned to make it home. But fate—or more accurately, six consecutive tequila sodas and an unchecked sense of entitlement—had other ideas.

“I was just trying to get inside,” Beth slurred, hydrating aggressively the next morning. “Then suddenly, I was giving a TED Talk on gender dynamics and workplace discrimination to an audience of deeply confused bouncers. Next thing I knew, they were offering me a job.”

According to eyewitnesses, Beth, despite being several drinks past functional decision-making, managed to:
✅ Aggressively point at security while swaying slightly
✅ Accuse the bouncers of “not knowing the struggle” while also forgetting the argument’s original point
✅ Challenged a 6’4’’ ex-Marine to a push-up contest (immediately abandoned)
✅ Asked “WHO EVEN HIRED YOU?” to a man actively trying to prevent her from falling over

And yet, by the end of the night, instead of getting ejected, she had secured a formal interview.

“I’ve never worked security before, but I have yelled at a lot of men professionally, so I feel qualified,” Beth told reporters, scrolling through texts she didn’t remember sending. “Also, I lift.”

Beth is now considering the offer, under one condition: “Do I get free drinks?”