🪩 Woman Declares Sovereignty Over Pole Room—Boyfriend Assigned Emotional Overflow Room
March 2025 | Stagtire News
AUSTELL, GA — In a bold assertion of space, boundaries, and aesthetic control, local homeowner Marla Stag has officially declared sovereignty over her pole room, leaving her romantically ambiguous partner, Iris, to reside in what she has now titled “The Emotional Overflow Room.”
“Listen, the pole room isn’t just a room,” Marla said, surrounded by LED strip lights, velvet curtains, and three unfinished breakup poems. “It’s where I process grief, seduce the void, and remind myself that I’m the only man I trust.”
Sources close to the couple confirm Iris attempted to claim emotional squatters’ rights after placing a hoodie on the back of Marla’s door—a move swiftly reversed with a side-eye that has since been declared a federal warning sign by her rabbit, Yarrow.
“We love Iris,” Marla explained, “but his emotions have the spatial awareness of a freight train in a hallway mirror maze. He needs his own quadrant. Possibly with soundproofing.”
Yarrow, a mood-sensitive rabbit with a God complex, has been appointed General of Territorial Affairs and reportedly enforces cuddle zoning, door knock etiquette, and acceptable nighttime snack noises with ruthless precision.
Meanwhile, Iris has accepted his post in the Emotional Overflow Room, a secondary bedroom containing:
One mattress (floorbound)
A lamp with uncertain voltage
Three vintage feelings he has not named
And a playlist titled “It’s Fine, I’m Fine, This Room Smells Like Her”
“She said I could have my own space,” Iris told reporters, staring directly at the ceiling fan. “I just didn’t realize it would come with territorial supervision and blackout curtain regulations.”
In a related plot twist, Artemis, Iris’s emotional support cat with a distant-yet-judging demeanor, has taken neutral ground under the kitchen table but is reportedly forming a nonverbal alliance with Yarrow.
Local relationship architects are calling the arrangement “the future of neurodivergent domesticity,” noting that separate bedrooms and overlapping playlists are the new love languages of 2025.
Zillow has updated the property listing to read:
“3 beds, 2 baths, 1 pole sanctum, and emotional real estate for 2 avoidants, 1 poet, and 2 animal kingdom diplomats.”
