Stagtire: The AI-Generated Satire Empire You Never Asked For
Local 6.5 Woman Refuses to Date Ugly People, Says Her Love is Not Literally Blind
For years, Cissy Stag has been told to “give people a chance” and that “looks aren’t everything.” But after extensive self-reflection (and even more extensive swiping), she has come to a firm conclusion: her love is not, and never will be, literally blind.
"Look, I’m not a perfect 10, but I’m also not out here pretending I don’t have eyes," she explained while adjusting her hinge settings to ‘tall and hot only.’ "I support body positivity, just not in my own dating pool."
Despite criticism from men she would never date anyway, Cissy stands by her stance, citing years of failed experiments in ‘personality-first’ dating.
"Every time I’ve lowered my standards, I’ve regretted it," she admitted, scrolling past yet another text from a man with ‘kind eyes’ but questionable bone structure. "At this point, I feel like I’m doing a public service by being upfront about what I can and cannot tolerate."
At press time, Cissy was last seen unmatching a man who claimed to be ‘gym active’ but had no visible traps.
Local Man’s Super Bowl Party Features ‘Authentic’ Stadium Experience—Complete with $15 Beers and Long Bathroom Lines
For most people, a Super Bowl watch party means cheap beer, homemade dips, and yelling at the TV in sweatpants. But for local man Jake Thompson, that wasn’t immersive enough.
“I want my guests to feel like they’re actually there—the thrill, the chaos, the economic hardship,” Jake said, patting down his own friends at the front door.
Upon arrival, guests were charged a $25 cover fee, plus a $3.50 ‘processing fee’ for Venmo payments. Beers were $15 each, chips were gated behind a ‘VIP’ rope, and the bathroom required a 10-minute wait minimum, even when unoccupied.
“The line wrapped around the kitchen,” guest Brian Carter recalled. “When I finally got in, there was a guy handing out paper towels for tips. It was Todd.”
Meanwhile, Jake’s homemade halftime show featured his neighbor’s garage band, who butchered ‘Wonderwall’ so badly, the WiFi cut out.
As of press time, Jake has already started selling ‘season passes’ for next year’s party. His guests, however, have secretly created a new group chat to host literally anywhere else.