Tequila Beth Yells at All-Male Security While Blackout Drunk, Scores Interview to Be a Bouncer
Manifesting a career through aggressive slurring.
By Stagtire’s Supreme Overlord, Who Also Shouldn’t Have This Job
Alt Text: A beautifully illustrated tequila soda in a tall, transparent glass filled with ice, with a fresh lime wedge resting on the rim. Tiny bubbles rise through the clear liquid, and condensation forms on the glass, emphasizing its refreshing nature. The background is softly blurred with warm, inviting lighting, evoking the relaxed atmosphere of a vibrant bar setting.
In an event that should have resulted in immediate ejection from the premises, local woman Tequila Beth not only held her ground against an all-male team of security guards but also accidentally secured an interview to become one herself.
“I was just trying to get inside,” Beth admitted, still wearing last night’s eyeliner and an aura of misplaced confidence. “I blacked out for a second, and when I came to, I was being offered a job. So yeah, manifestation is real.”
THE INCIDENT: A MASTERCLASS IN DRUNK ASSERTIVENESS
The altercation began at approximately 1:47 AM, when Beth, having consumed an undisclosed yet clearly excessive number of tequila shots, attempted to re-enter the bar despite overwhelming evidence that she should, in fact, go home.
“I don’t even remember what I said,” Beth told reporters, hydrating aggressively. “But it must’ve been persuasive as hell.”
Eyewitnesses report that Beth:
✅ Engaged in an impassioned feminist monologue that began with “Y’all just hate to see a strong woman thrive” and ended with an unsolicited but deeply moving speech on the wage gap.
✅ Pointed aggressively at security while swaying slightly, creating a visual paradox of dominance and instability.
✅ Executed the rare yet powerful move of questioning a bouncer’s credentials, demanding, “WHO EVEN HIRED YOU?”
✅ Challenged one to a push-up contest, then immediately forgot about it.
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU TEQUILA, DEMAND EMPLOYMENT
Instead of removing her from the premises as protocol dictates, the head of security allegedly nodded in quiet admiration and said, “You’ve got guts. Ever thought about doing this professionally?”
“We need people who can handle intoxicated individuals, unreasonable demands, and unnecessary aggression,” said the hiring manager. “And she was demonstrating those skills flawlessly.”
Beth, who has no prior security experience but does have an extensive background in getting past bouncers who said ‘not tonight’, now has a scheduled interview for the position next Tuesday.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TEQUILA BETH
Beth is currently unsure if she will take the job, but remains open to possibilities.
“I mean, why not?” she shrugged, scrolling through texts she did not remember sending. “If I can make grown men fold while wasted, imagine what I could do sober.”
As of press time, Beth has already been spotted arguing with a parking meter, suggesting that this story may not be over.
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