Local Man’s Super Bowl Party Features ‘Authentic’ Stadium Experience—Complete with $15 Beers and Long Bathroom Lines

"It’s all about immersion,” says host, as guests are forced to wait in line for their own couch.

By Stagtire’s Sports Correspondent, Who Is Just Here for the Snacks

Alt Text: A humorous illustrated digital drawing of people waiting in line outside a closed family bathroom door at a house party. The guests display various expressions of impatience, awkwardness, and mild discomfort. Family photos hang on the wall, emphasizing the home setting. A makeshift, taped-up bathroom sign is visible on the door, adding to the chaotic yet relatable atmosphere of a crowded party bathroom situation. The image has a clean, slightly stylized look with soft colors.

For most people, a Super Bowl watch party means cheap beer, homemade dips, and yelling at the TV in the comfort of one’s home. But for local man Jake Thompson, that wasn’t good enough. This year, Jake decided to recreate the full stadium experience, complete with overpriced concessions, unreasonable delays, and mild physical discomfort.

“It’s all about authenticity,” Jake explained while patting down his own friends at the front door. “I want my guests to really feel like they’re there.”

TICKETS? DON’T FORGET THE SERVICE FEES.

Upon arrival, guests were met with a DIY ticket booth where Jake’s roommate, Todd, handed out wristbands and collected a mandatory $25 cover charge—plus a $3.50 ‘processing fee’ for Venmo payments.

“I thought he was joking,” said guest Lisa Daniels, who had already brought a seven-layer dip as an offering. “But then he pulled out one of those barcode scanners like I was walking into a Taylor Swift concert. I mean… I live here.”

Guests who failed to pre-register their tickets on Jake’s ‘official website’ were directed to a different line, where they were forced to explain themselves to his cat.

CONCESSIONS: AN ECONOMIC NIGHTMARE

Once inside, partygoers eager to grab a drink were met with a fully stocked ‘stadium bar’—where a single can of Bud Light cost $15.

“If I’m paying $15 for a Bud Light, that better come with a financial advisor,” said guest Brian Carter, who was still recovering from being charged $12 for a lukewarm hot dog.

Meanwhile, the chips and dip—which guests had brought themselves—were placed behind a VIP rope, requiring an additional $20 upgrade for access.

“I asked Jake why I had to pay for my own food,” said Lisa. “He just mumbled something about ‘dynamic pricing’ and ‘supply chain issues.’”

THE BATHROOM LINES WERE A DISASTER

In an effort to perfect the experience, Jake converted his two-bedroom apartment’s single bathroom into a ‘stadium restroom’ by implementing a strictly enforced 10-minute wait time.

“There was literally no one in there, but we still had to wait in a line that wrapped into the kitchen,” Brian complained. “When I finally got inside, there was a random guy handing out paper towels for tips. It was Todd.”

At halftime, Jake personally checked all the toilet paper dispensers to ensure that there was never enough.

OBSTRUCTED VIEW SEATING & UNNECESSARY SECURITY

Guests hoping to watch the game on Jake’s 75-inch TV were instead forced to sit behind strategically placed cardboard cutouts of ‘other fans’—some of which were just Jake’s old Halloween decorations.

“Listen, real stadiums have obstructed view seats,” Jake said, nodding proudly at his work. “I want my guests to appreciate the authenticity.”

Meanwhile, Todd—**now self-appointed ‘head of security’—**was seen randomly ejecting guests for “causing a disturbance” if they rooted for the wrong team.

“I got kicked out for cheering too hard,” said Brian. “He walked me out of the living room and made me stand on the porch for ten minutes, and I don’t even know which team I was cheering for.”

HALFTIME SHOW FEATURING JAKE’S NEIGHBOR’S GARAGE BAND

To complete the experience, Jake hired his neighbor’s garage band to perform a halftime show in his backyard.

“It was three guys named Kyle who only knew how to play the intro to ‘Wonderwall,’” Lisa recalled. “At one point, I think they tried to cover Beyoncé, but it was so bad the WiFi cut out.”

During their performance, Jake ran around the house collecting donations to “help fund next year’s show.”

“Next year, we’re getting fireworks,” Jake promised, before announcing that parking violations would now be enforced.

IS THIS THE FUTURE OF SUPER BOWL PARTIES?

As of press time, Jake has already started selling ‘season passes’ for next year’s event, offering premium seating for an additional fee.

“I’m just giving people the full experience,” Jake insisted. “Sure, it’s a little pricey, but it’s still cheaper than going to the actual game.”

Meanwhile, guests have secretly created a separate group chat to coordinate a different party next year.

“I love Jake,” Lisa sighed. “But I am never paying a $7 service fee to sit on my own couch again.”

UP NEXT ON STAGTIRE:

1️⃣ “Man at Super Bowl Party Who ‘Doesn’t Care About Football’ Suddenly Has Strong Opinions on Every Call”
2️⃣ “‘I’ll Just Have One Drink’ Says Woman Who Will Not, In Fact, Have Just One Drink”
3️⃣ “New Study Confirms: People Who Bring Guacamole to Parties Just Want to Be Complimented”

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