The President Has Been Doxxed: A Nation in Chaos

"We never thought the public would figure this out. Frankly, we’re devastated."

–White House Insider, who requested anonymity but probably should’ve just kept quiet

By Stagtire’s National Security & Digital Privacy Correspondent (who, regrettably, was doxxed before the President and is still recovering from the trauma)

Alt text: Definitely not The White House

¯\(ツ)/¯ (previously Washington D.C.)—The nation is in crisis. The President of the United States has been doxxed. His private residence—a location previously known only to top government officials, school field trip organizers, and the back of every U.S. history textbook—has been leaked to the public.

His address? 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Yes. The White House.

For years, the President’s home has been a closely guarded secret, visible only to those with access to Google Maps. But now, with this information recklessly spread across the internet, security experts are calling it the most severe breach of classified intelligence since someone posted the nuclear codes on WikiLeaks (allegedly).

The Fallout

Immediately after the leak, chaos erupted across the country. Americans struggled to process the news, questioning how such sensitive information could have possibly been exposed.

The White House refused to comment, stating only that "steps are being taken to assess the situation." Meanwhile, major news outlets scrambled to issue breaking coverage of the doxxing, with CNN’s emergency alert reading, “DEVELOPING: The President Lives in the White House, Officials Confirm.”

Internet sleuths began combing through archived records, piecing together clues that had been hiding in plain sight for centuries. Investigators were shocked to discover that the White House had been occupied by every U.S. President since John Adams and had even been referenced multiple times in pop culture, including films, television shows, and several hundred schoolhouse dioramas.

National Security at Risk

In response to the crisis, high-ranking officials met behind closed doors to discuss new security measures to protect the President’s "compromised" location.

Proposed ideas included:

• Repainting the White House a less conspicuous color.

• Moving it slightly to the left so it’s harder to find.

• Installing a decoy White House in Kansas to confuse would-be intruders.

• Banning all American citizens from looking in its general direction.

A high-ranking security officer, speaking under anonymity, told reporters, “We never thought the public would figure this out. Frankly, we’re devastated.”

Reaction from the President

When reached for comment, the President reportedly seemed stunned to learn that people had known where he lived all along. Sources inside the administration claim that, upon hearing the news, he muttered, "Wait... it's public?" before immediately requesting a full investigation.

Rumors suggest that the President may be considering a relocation to an undisclosed bunker, an Airbnb in the Midwest, or the Moon. However, White House officials remain committed to damage control, assuring the American people that, despite the breach, the President is still completely safe—provided nobody Googles "White House address" ever again.

The Investigation Begins

Federal agencies have launched an immediate probe into how this catastrophic leak happened and, more importantly, who is responsible. The FBI, the CIA, and a group of retired mall cops have teamed up to track down the source of the doxxing.

While officials have not named any suspects, speculation is growing that the perpetrator may have been the White House itself, which has freely distributed its own location on official documents, websites, and literal road signs leading straight to it.

As the nation reels from the fallout, Americans have been urged to remain calm and act like they don’t know anything. Citizens who accidentally come into possession of White House coordinates are encouraged to turn themselves in immediately to the nearest federal authorities.

Until further notice, all school tours are canceled, all postcards featuring the White House are being confiscated, and all government maps are being revised to simply say "¯\(ツ)/¯" where Washington, D.C. used to be.

The President Never Thought It Could Happen to Him

For years, Americans have been told privacy is dead. Corporations track our every move, social media platforms sell our data, and even smart refrigerators know more about our habits than our own families.

Yet, the President himself never believed he could be a victim.

Despite leading a government that collects an alarming amount of data on American citizens, he was apparently completely unprepared for the concept of his own information being made public.

White House insiders say the President is now furious at tech companies for not "doing more" to prevent this from happening—despite his own administration having access to every search history, text message, and accidentally clicked ad on Facebook from the general public.

"Nobody should have to go through this," he reportedly said while signing a surveillance expansion bill just days earlier.

NextDoor Reacts

Meanwhile, the President’s neighbors have taken to NextDoor to express their concerns.

Susan R., 57, Concerned Patriot:
“This is a disgusting violation of privacy. No one should have to fear for their safety in their own home! That being said, has anyone noticed the lawn hasn’t been mowed in a while? Disrespectful.”

Dave M., 42, Amateur Constitutional Scholar:
“This is why we need stronger protections for public officials. Also, does anyone know if it’s illegal to own a bald eagle? Asking for a friend.”

Nancy W., 63, HOA President in Spirit:
“I don’t care about the doxxing, but someone needs to do something about all those protests clogging up the street. It’s a safety hazard! Can we report that to the city?”

Kevin T., 29, Probably a Conspiracy Theorist:
“Are we sure the White House is even real? I drove past it once and swear it looked like a movie set. Ever notice how it always looks the same in every picture? Wake up, people.”

Linda P., 61, Resident Gossip:
“I heard from my cousin’s friend’s neighbor that the President doesn’t actually live there full-time. Apparently, he spends weekends in an underground bunker beneath a Whole Foods. Can anyone confirm?”

Stay vigilant, America. Your leader has been compromised.