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Drake Announces Emergency Album in Response to Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl Performance
For most artists, watching the Super Bowl halftime show is a casual experience. But for Drake, it was a call to action.
“I don’t want to seem pressed,” Drake insisted during a 13-minute Instagram Live, filmed from the comfort of his candlelit marble bathtub. “But I just think it’s crazy how people switch up.”
By midnight, Drake had announced an emergency new album, reportedly titled "For All The Disses." Sources close to the rapper say the album is "not a direct response" to Kendrick Lamar’s viral Super Bowl performance, despite containing 27 tracks of thinly veiled emotional retaliation.
"This is not about Kendrick," Drake repeated while dramatically signing a handwritten 'Open Letter to the NFL' with a quill pen.
At press time, Kendrick Lamar had yet to respond, presumably because he was busy doing literally anything else.
Local Man’s Super Bowl Party Features ‘Authentic’ Stadium Experience—Complete with $15 Beers and Long Bathroom Lines
For most people, a Super Bowl watch party means cheap beer, homemade dips, and yelling at the TV in sweatpants. But for local man Jake Thompson, that wasn’t immersive enough.
“I want my guests to feel like they’re actually there—the thrill, the chaos, the economic hardship,” Jake said, patting down his own friends at the front door.
Upon arrival, guests were charged a $25 cover fee, plus a $3.50 ‘processing fee’ for Venmo payments. Beers were $15 each, chips were gated behind a ‘VIP’ rope, and the bathroom required a 10-minute wait minimum, even when unoccupied.
“The line wrapped around the kitchen,” guest Brian Carter recalled. “When I finally got in, there was a guy handing out paper towels for tips. It was Todd.”
Meanwhile, Jake’s homemade halftime show featured his neighbor’s garage band, who butchered ‘Wonderwall’ so badly, the WiFi cut out.
As of press time, Jake has already started selling ‘season passes’ for next year’s party. His guests, however, have secretly created a new group chat to host literally anywhere else.