Drake Announces Emergency Album in Response to Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl Performance
"‘I don’t want to seem pressed,’ says rapper while recording his 47th diss track this week."
By Stagtire’s Hip-Hop Crisis Correspondent, Who Has Witnessed Too Many Rap Beefs
Alt Text: A humorous illustrated digital drawing of an anonymous rapper sitting dramatically in a luxurious marble bathtub, tears streaming down their face, while writing an "Open Letter to the NFL" with a quill pen. The extravagant setting includes gold fixtures, candles, and an ornate bathroom aesthetic. Due to AI content policies, the rapper's face is obscured by an anonymous mask, but for some reason, Benjamin Franklin is also in the image, completely unbothered. The overall tone is exaggerated and satirical, emphasizing pettiness, emotional distress, and over-the-top luxury.
Just hours after Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl halftime performance, rapper Drake has announced an emergency new album in what sources describe as “a completely chill and not-at-all emotional response.”
“This is not about Kendrick,” Drake insisted in an Instagram live video, filmed from his marble bathtub. “I just woke up today and felt artistically inspired to drop a 30-track album with a 12-minute spoken word interlude titled ‘Not Like Who?’”
According to sources close to the rapper, the album is expected to drop at midnight, a full two years ahead of schedule, and features guest appearances from literally anyone who still answers his texts.
THE ALBUM: A MASTERPIECE OF EMOTIONAL DAMAGE
Tentatively titled “For All The Disses”, the album is rumored to include a variety of subtle, mature, and definitely-not-obsessive tracks, such as:
🎵 “They Not Like Him” – A ballad about how Drake is actually very chill about all of this.
🎵 “I Coulda Played the Super Bowl Too” – A heartfelt reflection on why the NFL didn’t book him instead.
🎵 “I’m Not Mad, Just Disappointed” – Self-explanatory.
🎵 “Middle Child Syndrome Freestyle” – Why J. Cole gets to stay neutral but Drake has to beef alone.
🎵 “Where’s The Love?” – Drake argues that beefing is mean and everyone should be nice again.
🎵 “Marvin’s Room (Courtroom Remix)” – A deeply personal voicemail to his lawyer about possible defamation claims.
Despite the obvious Kendrick Lamar undertones, Drake vehemently denies that this album is a response to anything.
“I’m really just in a different creative space right now,” Drake told fans, while sharpening a quill pen over a parchment labeled ‘Open Letter to the NFL.’
DRAKE ALSO UNVEILS SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION ALBUM FORMATS
To maximize the rollout, Drake has confirmed several exclusive album versions, including:
💿 The “Not Bothered” Deluxe Edition – Comes with a personal essay explaining how he isn’t mad at all.
💿 The “Sad Boi Vinyl” Edition – Pressed on actual teardrops.
💿 The “Petty Pack” Collector’s Box – Includes Drake’s own Super Bowl halftime performance, which he filmed in his living room out of spite.
💿 The “Certified Emotional Boy” Spotify Edition – Only available at 2 AM when you’re feeling vulnerable.
KENDRICK LAMAR’S RESPONSE
When reached for comment, Kendrick Lamar simply took a deep breath, exhaled, and went back to doing literally anything else.
At press time, sources confirmed that Kendrick Lamar has yet to acknowledge Drake’s album, which has already been rebranded as ‘an artistic reflection on self-growth’ rather than a diss.
UP NEXT ON STAGTIRE:
Drake Reportedly Found Googling “How To Win a Rap Battle Without Rapping Better”
Kendrick Lamar Laughs for 10 Minutes Straight, Billboard Names It Rap Album of the Year
Super Bowl Viewers Furious That Kendrick Lamar’s Performance Didn’t Include Any Country Songs About Trucks
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Stagtire: Because Not Everything Needs a Response Album, But Try Telling That to Drake.
