
Stagtire: The AI-Generated Satire Empire You Never Asked For

Tragedy Strikes: Man’s ‘Go-To Girl’ Starts Enforcing Boundaries
PORTLAND, OR—In a shocking turn of events, local man Brian Matthews, 32, has been left emotionally stranded after his long-time emotional support woman decided to start enforcing "boundaries."
“She just…stopped responding like she used to,” Matthews lamented, staring blankly at his phone. “I sent a ‘You up?’ the other night. Nothing. Not even a ‘lol what’s up.’”
Sources close to Brian confirm that this betrayal came out of nowhere, especially considering how reliable Laura Davis, 29, had been for months—possibly years—of unpaid emotional labor.
“I mean, she always used to listen when I needed to vent about my ex,” he continued. “But now? Now she’s all, ‘I can’t be your therapist, Brian.’ Like, since when??”
Laura, however, tells a different story.
“It’s not that deep,” she said, completely unbothered. “I just don’t have the energy to be this man’s part-time life coach while he keeps taking other girls to rooftop bars.”
At press time, Brian was seen staring at his phone, agonizing over whether or not to send a ‘Hope you’re doing okay’ text.
Love Wilts Like a Neglected Houseplant: Couple Breaks Up Over Botanical Garden Rain Dispute
"I wasn’t asking him to fight in a war. I was asking him to walk through some damp camellias with me."
Jessica Morgan thought she was in a relationship with a man who understood romance—until he refused to take a stroll through the Atlanta Botanical Garden in the rain. What should have been a dreamy, mist-kissed date among blooming flowers quickly unraveled into a philosophical crisis about love, effort, and whether wet socks are truly a dealbreaker.
“He acted like I was asking him to hike Mount Everest in a monsoon,” Jessica lamented, still processing the breakup. “Meanwhile, I was just standing there, waiting for him to be the kind of guy who sees a little rain and thinks, ‘This is our moment.’”
Her ex-boyfriend, Ryan Thompson, saw things differently. “Plants already get enough rain,” he said, as if that was the point.
Now single, Jessica is reflecting on the red flags she ignored—including Ryan’s firm belief that all sushi tastes the same and his insistence that grocery store bouquets are "just as nice" as florist arrangements. Meanwhile, Ryan has re-downloaded Hinge, updating his bio to include the word "indoorsy."
The Atlanta Botanical Garden has issued an official statement expressing their condolences for the breakup but affirming that "a light drizzle only enhances the experience."